Relationships · 2016
Never Split the Difference
by Chris Voss
Negotiating as if your life depended on it, from a former FBI hostage negotiator.
10 min read
The big picture
Voss turns hostage-negotiation techniques into everyday tools for work and life. Rather than arguing logically, he teaches you to listen first, understand emotions and guide the other person toward your goal with calm, open-ended questions.
Five key ideas
- 1
Tactical empathy
Show that you understand the other person's feelings and view. People who feel heard become far more open.
- 2
Mirroring
Repeat the last few words someone said, in a curious tone. It invites them to explain more without pressure.
- 3
Label emotions
Say aloud what you sense, such as 'It seems like you are worried about the timing.' It lowers tension.
- 4
Aim for 'That's right', not 'Yes'
A quick yes can be a way to end the talk. 'That's right' signals real agreement and trust.
- 5
Ask calibrated questions
Questions starting with 'how' or 'what' make the other side solve your problem and feel in control.
Put it into practice
- In your next disagreement, mirror the last three words and pause.
- Use one label, such as 'It sounds like...', before offering your view.
- Replace a demand with a 'How am I supposed to do that?' question.
Who should read it
Anyone who negotiates a salary, a deal or a daily family disagreement.
How to apply it in daily life
Morning
Plan one calm question for a talk you have today.
During the day
Label feelings: 'It sounds like you're worried about…'
Evening
Use 'How am I supposed to do that?' instead of a flat no.
Next summary
Emotional Intelligence